So… The 3rd Hole is in the final stages of editing – I am meeting at Iguana’s office next week to go over their suggestions and prepare for the re-write that is always necessary in any book before it is launched. This is my fourth book, I’ve done it before. So what’s the problem? The problem is… Sex!
The editor would like some of the sex scenes in the book re-written so that they are from a man’s perspective. Oh swell! How do I do that?
I can’t ask one of my five sons because they aren’t allowed to read my novels. And they won’t be allowed to read The 3rd Hole either. I don’t need them asking me questions about how do I know this, or how do I know that? As their mother, I have to maintain my image of sublime perfection.
So there is only one way I can do this. I have to ask a couple of my close friends, who are also very macho males, to share their more interesting sexual adventures with me…then I will make notes.
So here we go. Back to Centro – dining out will camouflage my investigation. Of course, since I see myself as a Jewish princess, I never pay – I don’t even offer to pay – the man always pays even if going out for dinner was my idea. So far it has always worked.
Anyhow, two days later I am in business. Wow! What fun this investigation is going to be…and how interesting! Now those of you who know me and my friends will no doubt be trying to guess which story belongs to which friend – forget it! Like my previous blogs in which the girls were talking about kinky sex, I will identify the speaker only by a letter from the alphabet.
“What do you think about during sex?” I asked K.
“Think?” he howled. “Are you crazy? I don’t think! I do!”
“No, I’m not crazy” I said with a big smile on my face. “I have to describe three passionate sexual encounters – between a man and a younger woman, between the same man and an older woman, and between the same man and a very aggressive undercover cop. And it has to be from his perspective – so I need to know what he would be thinking while in the throes of passion”.
“Well”, answered K, “the first thing he should be thinking is how lucky he is. You have just described a fantasy situation for many men, me included. But, if it was me, I would have to be more creative with the younger woman. So I would just describe the action in bed without any dialogue because the man would be enjoying her body more than her conversation”.
I burst out laughing as I tried to have a flash back to my youthful adventures. Too long ago – I couldn’t remember. But a book is about words – so I needed to find the right ones.
“Okay”, I said to K. “How does this line sound to you?”
“My heart was pounding as I ran my hands up and down her body. She quivered in response to my caresses as I climbed on top of her and pushed myself inside”.
“Mm, that sounds about right if I’m with my wife”, answered K. “But if this is a lady’s book on sex, I think you have to be a bit more creative”.
After a few minutes and a few sips of wine, he said, “hey, what about this line?
“My lips lingered on her belly button and my hands slipped closer to the centre of her universe”.
How I kept a straight face I will never know. If I ever wrote a line like that my book would be cancelled before it ever went to print.
“Hold on!” K suddenly said, holding up his hand and waving at someone behind me. “V just came in. Let’s get him to sit down for five minutes and give us his version of how he would write about some of his scores. He likes older women so it would fit right into your story line”.
“You absolutely cannot be serious!” laughed V as I told him what I wanted. “Do you think that I am concentrating on anything other than the babe I am in bed with? And you want me to give you some words for your book? When am I supposed to be writing this dialogue? Before? During? After?”
“Oh, don’t have a hissy fit”, I said as I helped myself to one of his tempura shrimp appetizers. “Just do a quick synopsis of your last exercise with a really hot older woman and then think of a good line or two for my book”.
“Older women are the best”, V whispered as K and I leaned closer. “They don’t need to hear the usual bullshit that guys love to spout off. And they know where to touch and how to move and especially how to give fabulous oral sex.
“Okay, all you want is a line or two of dialogue” V finally said after I just kept staring at him. “Give me a sec. Ah ha, here it comes:
“Yes, yes, keep doing that”, V moans. “Your mouth is like a bottomless bowl of chocolate fudge – with whipped cream smothering my love stick”.
This was not a good idea. It is now time to take a pass. I would have to come up with the right scenario on my own. So when you all read The 3rd Hole and get to the sexy parts, remember this blog – and let me know what you think.
“Hey!” K and V hooted in unison as I closed my notebook. “What about the undercover cop? Now that you started this conversation, we want to talk about her!”
Now my undercover cop, who has been working with me along with one of the best criminal lawyers in the province on research for the 3rd Hole, is a dynamite babe. Tall, gorgeous, smart and oh so very physically fit. I doubt either one of these guys could sustain themselves in her presence for more than a minute.
“Oh, you’ll meet her at the launch”, I said. “Then you can try out your dialogue. I am sure her response will be very interesting”.
So, now it is back to the drawing board. I have the whole weekend to come up with some interesting lines – right now I am blank. But this is par for the course for writers – any second now a light will go on and I’ll be back sitting at the computer.
See you.
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