This blog is not a personal story – it is about a friend who was facing some health issues and she asked me to help her put her thoughts to paper. We were both very pleased with the results– now that she is gone, I am posting it for all of you to enjoy, as she enjoyed sharing it with me.
Today I am having lunch with someone I haven’t seen in a long time. We were once lovers – not for the long term but for a brief fling ten years ago. And to tell you the truth, I am very nervous. I am also very excited. And that feels good. Perhaps it is my advancing years.
Details of our dalliance are not important. Suffice to say there was an instant chemistry when we first met. Our eyes locked in meaningful glances that usually work best in Harlequin novels. I practiced flirting techniques that I hadn’t used in 20 years. And they worked.
Really, there is nothing better than being a woman in these dramas because we know how to do it best. I did have a moment, but only a moment, of panic and second thoughts. We were, and still are, married to others. But that didn’t stop me.
He fascinated and excited me and though we were both close to fifty, I just wanted to “do it” – to forget who I was and to jump into bed with a man simply because he totally turned me on.
There were no deep conversations between us, no inner revelations and no philosophical dissertations –just two simple but crucial questions. When? Where?
That old cliché “where there is a will there is a way” was very true. We soon figured it out. And discretion along with good planning made sure that we were the only two people in this drama. And it was delicious.
When he was transferred to another city, no dramatic farewells were spoken. We chose not to keep in touch and life moved on. When I did think of him, I pushed away any guilt over what we had done with platitudes and ancient dialogue from old movies. “After all, you only live once.”
My concerns about dishonesty and the hypocrisy of a purported honourable life that conflicted with my actual deeds were pushed way back. Rationalization provided all the answers to any persistent questions.
How would I feel if my partner did the same thing? Outrage, for sure. How much of a double standard is that? But for sure my partner didn’t know and never would. The words “infidelity” and “cheat” moved in and out of my psyche faster than the speed of light. I was expecting some feelings of remorse. But I had none. Maybe it was nothing more complicated than at a certain time of life, one just “goes for it”. And the “going for it” varies from person to person.
Occasionally, when I was in the office, I would suddenly stop whatever I was doing and think back to that very special interlude… and wonder what my colleagues would think if they knew …as though the deed was somehow elevated beyond the realm of everyday events. I would smile as I imagined how an adversary would be stunned to know that the woman who constantly irritated, angered and stonewalled their plans could also writhe around in a bed with uncontrolled passion – stunned is probably not the right word. Disbelieving is more accurate.
Three months ago I had a dream about my once upon a time lover and my curiosity got the better of me. I tracked him down. In today’s world, our first communication was email. It was a friendly upbeat “conversation” catching up on the last years with no indication that we were ever anything but old friends.
But when he let me know that he expected to be in town and suggested that we have lunch to chat about old times, I have to confess that I got serious heart palpitations and was elated about seeing him again. But still, I wanted to play it cool.
“Sure,” I answered casually via email. “It will be fun to catch up”.
The first thing I had to do was to start dieting. Six weeks to lose 20 pounds is no easy task. And of course, I didn’t succeed. But at least I look better than I did. All those diets that didn’t work over the years – I always had an excuse. But this was the great motivator –EGO. I certainly wasn’t going to reunite with my former lover looking dumpy. Guys with grey hair and lines are still gorgeous even with extra weight. Not so much us girls.
So what now? I’m not sure what scares me more. That he will still be attracted to me… or that he won’t. Do I play the games of younger days and pretend disinterest? Or do I take the role of today’s woman and just go for it. What if the chemistry is still there… or what if it isn’t?
Of course I have thought of little else these past few weeks. The good news is that aging hasn’t stopped my brain, along with my body, from still working the way it used to…blood rushes, heart flutters and thoughts of pure unadulterated sex.
The bad news? Am I seeing myself as I REALLY am or who I wish to be?
Can I keep cool if it turns out that seeing me again will evoke no reaction from him other than a pleasant smile?
So the time is now. I feel more intensity today than I did years ago. I want to grab it all, right now, and dismiss any thoughts about future repercussions. I wonder why that is.
Anyhow, he just called. No more conjecture, no more babbling and no more second guessing. I’m off to meet him – hopefully we will both enjoy a delicious lunch.
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